First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
