Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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