Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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