If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize