I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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