you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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