you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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