i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
