I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
