i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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