My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
please come you make the beer taste better
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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