I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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