Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
