i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
