Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.