Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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