What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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