So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
