i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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