when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
