i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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