bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
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He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
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I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
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