i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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