you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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