don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
My penis needs a shock collar
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
