That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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