if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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