i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
