May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
