Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
