I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
