Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
