it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
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I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
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I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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