Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
