i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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