I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
