he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
