You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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