I CAN MOONWALK!
my vag is so smooth its legendary
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
The uberlube is also flammable
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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