I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
