I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
