Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
