forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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