Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
