You smell like a Billy Joel song
He kissed a someone with a penis
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
