Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
