is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
