I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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