How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
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