I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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