i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
You are the jesus of drinking
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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