life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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