she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
