So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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