sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
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They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
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The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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