I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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