Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
