somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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