The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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