Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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