When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Randomize
