There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
They have beer where we have blood.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
